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Blog: On Health. On Writing. On Life. On Everything.

Comfort, Closure, Redemption

Nobody should die alone. The most important part is that you are with the dying person – the dying person should not be left alone, if possible. Not always is it possible to accompany a loved one on the last way – both my parents died far away from me. My father suddenly, when I was eighteen and away in boarding school – his heart gave out. My mother in Germany, of lung cancer, when I went through the rigors of medical internship in Boston. I remember sitting at night at the bed of a dying patient, and thinking that I should be sitting with my mother. Many people feel uncomfortable in the face of sickness and dying. Not everybody finds wonderful last words and gestures. Here is what you still can do – naturally – for a dying loved one. First, however, what you should not do: • Discuss the ways the person hurt you in the past: It is too late now. Try to grow up before the person dies – work out your own problems • Go through their things and snoop around. Even if you were the lone heir: Wait until afterward • Keep friends and relatives away from the dying person to hog her/him for yourself • Don’t press your personal afterlife believing and articles of faith onto the dying person What you can do – naturally: • Sit still at the bedside • Hold hands: Touch can still be taken in when all the other senses are long gone • Give a cold sponge bath – lying unwashed in bed is a horrible burden for many sick people • Sing. I sang for my first, beloved mother-in-law when she was already unconscious. I think she heard me • Keep the room warm, aired and uncluttered – at home, in the hospital, at the hospice • Bring pictures from the past that the person might still enjoy – but only a few selected ones – don’t lug into the sickroom whole photo albums • Forgive if the person was not what you expected from her/him in the past. He/she had her own history – and you might not know all the essential parts – for instance, how this person was hurt when he/she was young • Remember the past - as long as the person can still talk. This might be your last chance. But don’t push it – take the cue from the dying person, not from your own urgency • Zip up a light, delicious meal – or just serve fruit. This is not the time to restrict a person to a diet – this is now pure enjoyment • Read aloud – if he or she can hear it or not: Share what you like to share • Tell the person what he/she means to you. Sum up your relationship with the dying person – but not financial problems and time constraints the dying puts on you. Your own stresses (and they might be great and overwhelming) you have to work up alone or with other people in your life. Your own life is on hold while this person moves toward death • Wash the dying person’s feet. Then rub coconut oil into the skin • Talk about positive things from the past • Listen to whatever the dying person has to say – if you like it or not • Pray if the person wants to pray. Shut up if the person does not want to pray • Declutter the nightstand without getting nosy or possessive • Brew an herbal tea: Chamomile, holy basil, peppermint, stinging nettle. – or whatever you have at hand Ask the doctor if there are contraindications • Endure the impending loss – you can – and will - cry later But you will take satisfaction if you stayed strong when you were needed to be strong. Read More 
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What Stays

Coming from another funeral - this time in Europe - the question lingers: What stays if we have to die anyway? In this case, love stayed. Love stayed long after the body of the loved one was felled by a series of strokes. For a dozen years the spouse cared for the loved one, with a thousand fears and doubts and difficulties, but never faltering. After all those many years, the loved one died at home, with the family by the bedside. - We all wish for such a death. And such a love. Not asking what is in there for me. But asking what is the needed thing to do now. - We hear too much about who should be allowed to marry and who not. We should hear more what marriage involves. Not figuring out what he/she does wrong, but what he/she needs now. Whenever I feel sorry that I am not getting what I want, I feel a distances from the people I am with. When I ask: What can I give? What does he/she need now?, I feel close - and rewarded. (It goes without saying that I don't condone cruelty, abuse, and the myriad of vices that make a marriage unbearable.) We all know too many examples of the contrasting outcome: The spouse divorces the ailing partner, and runs away with the money, to a better life. A better life? I cannot think of life and time better applied than caring thus. Read More 
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The Troubles

Are you addicted to drama and mayhem in your life? Are you living within your financial means? Do you start projects and never finish them? Are you always having boyfriend/girlfriend trouble? Do you waste water? Are you patient with children? Are you gossiping? Do you think at the end of your life you will be held responsible? Are you holding on to old grudges? Do you wash your hands after you used the bathroom? Do you say “please” and “thank you” often? Are you friendly with your family, even if you find them difficult? Do you watch brainless TV programs? Are you taking recreational drugs and/or excessive alcohol? Do you reach out when you feel lonely? Are you always late? Do you cover your mouth when you sneeze/ cough? Do you read a book once in a while? Are you text-messaging when you drive? Do you think the world and the people in it owe you something? Have you given to charity in the last month? Are you neighborly? Are you eating more than your share at the table - given that there are about ten billion people who also want to eat? Do you work hard for your dreams? Is your house cluttered? Do you recycle? Do you lend a helping hand – even to strangers? Are you the problem – or are you part of the solution to the problem? Read More 
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