icon caret-left icon caret-right instagram pinterest linkedin facebook twitter goodreads question-circle facebook circle twitter circle linkedin circle instagram circle goodreads circle pinterest circle

Blog: On Health. On Writing. On Life. On Everything.

Comfort, Closure, Redemption

Nobody should die alone. The most important part is that you are with the dying person – the dying person should not be left alone, if possible. Not always is it possible to accompany a loved one on the last way – both my parents died far away from me. My father suddenly, when I was eighteen and away in boarding school – his heart gave out. My mother in Germany, of lung cancer, when I went through the rigors of medical internship in Boston. I remember sitting at night at the bed of a dying patient, and thinking that I should be sitting with my mother. Many people feel uncomfortable in the face of sickness and dying. Not everybody finds wonderful last words and gestures. Here is what you still can do – naturally – for a dying loved one. First, however, what you should not do: • Discuss the ways the person hurt you in the past: It is too late now. Try to grow up before the person dies – work out your own problems • Go through their things and snoop around. Even if you were the lone heir: Wait until afterward • Keep friends and relatives away from the dying person to hog her/him for yourself • Don’t press your personal afterlife believing and articles of faith onto the dying person What you can do – naturally: • Sit still at the bedside • Hold hands: Touch can still be taken in when all the other senses are long gone • Give a cold sponge bath – lying unwashed in bed is a horrible burden for many sick people • Sing. I sang for my first, beloved mother-in-law when she was already unconscious. I think she heard me • Keep the room warm, aired and uncluttered – at home, in the hospital, at the hospice • Bring pictures from the past that the person might still enjoy – but only a few selected ones – don’t lug into the sickroom whole photo albums • Forgive if the person was not what you expected from her/him in the past. He/she had her own history – and you might not know all the essential parts – for instance, how this person was hurt when he/she was young • Remember the past - as long as the person can still talk. This might be your last chance. But don’t push it – take the cue from the dying person, not from your own urgency • Zip up a light, delicious meal – or just serve fruit. This is not the time to restrict a person to a diet – this is now pure enjoyment • Read aloud – if he or she can hear it or not: Share what you like to share • Tell the person what he/she means to you. Sum up your relationship with the dying person – but not financial problems and time constraints the dying puts on you. Your own stresses (and they might be great and overwhelming) you have to work up alone or with other people in your life. Your own life is on hold while this person moves toward death • Wash the dying person’s feet. Then rub coconut oil into the skin • Talk about positive things from the past • Listen to whatever the dying person has to say – if you like it or not • Pray if the person wants to pray. Shut up if the person does not want to pray • Declutter the nightstand without getting nosy or possessive • Brew an herbal tea: Chamomile, holy basil, peppermint, stinging nettle. – or whatever you have at hand Ask the doctor if there are contraindications • Endure the impending loss – you can – and will - cry later But you will take satisfaction if you stayed strong when you were needed to be strong. Read More 
Be the first to comment

Before You Die

If you find no new block entry here – does it mean your blogger is sitting idly around at the beach? No. She is immersed in the novel she tries to finish before she dies. What is it you must finish before you die? Remember Miss Rumphius? Her grandfather had told her the three things one has to accomplish in life: To travel foreign lands; to live at the ocean (You might remember that “Miss Rumphius” is a Maine story); to leave the world a more beautiful place. Husbands always feel one should clean out the attic before I die, or such – but we, who should do it, lack enthusiasm for the attic. Given one wouldn’t want to leave the mess to one’s children to sort out – but then again, who is going to die die THAT SOON?? There are tons of bucket lists on the Internet what to do before we die. Here is mine: 1. Finish your novel. What are other people aspiring to do before they die? Skydiving, bungee jumping, parachute jumping. Too much jumping, it seems. Too short-lived and not along my alley. How about these: 2. Learn a musical instrument (or painting or wood working or weaving or pottery). 3. Grow your own vegetables and herbs. And perhaps blueberries. 4. Forgive that incredible jerk/bitch (we all have one in our lives). 5. Climb a mountain. Doesn’t need to be Mount Everest – but should be bigger than the Blue Mountains near Boston. Take part in a long bike ride. Or learn tai chi – anything that gets you moving out of your comfort zone. 6. Do a vegetable broth fast for a whole day. Once a week – until you have your ideal weight; then go to once a month. 7. Learn a new language. 8. Take a cold shower. Every day. 9. Read Les Misérables (or War and Peace, or Our Mutual Friend – or the other thousand-pages-plus tome you always wanted to read). 10. Sleep under the stars and watch a sunrise. Others I liked: Walk the Great Wall of China, Visit Paris, Publish a book, Touch an Iceberg. Many of those traveling goals sound like fun – but they expand your carbon footprint enormously. Visiting Paris or leaning to play the cello? I have done both; nothing against Paris, but the instrument beats the town by miles. Find Your Soul Mate would be a worthy goal, wouldn’t it be? But that is not in your hands. Strive for something attainable - you don’t want to build your life on Grace or Fate or Incredible Luck. Read More 
2 Comments
Post a comment